I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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