Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
