he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
