Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
