saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
