my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
