Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
