your room smells of hookers.
And success
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
