dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
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Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
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Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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