Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
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Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
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Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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