I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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