he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
