No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
