Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I could make wine with my vomit
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
