I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
