the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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