How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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