Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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