It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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