i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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