I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
