Apparently you make a good broom.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Drunk is a universal language darling
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
