I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
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I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
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Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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