the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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