i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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