woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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