no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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