Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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