The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
