things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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