i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
