Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
