I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
