i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
this is an emotional support booty call
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
