When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
