The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
don't judge my taste in strippers
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Randomize
