I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
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Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
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Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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