worst night to have a conscience
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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