Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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