I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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