Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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