First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
