Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
