Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I think i got beer on your cat.
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