A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
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