weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
