the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
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I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
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I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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