hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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