The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
