Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
