Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
