not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
