Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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