I think I died a long time ago.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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