I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
