Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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