He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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