i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
